Wednesday, October 7, 2009

"Let's not talk about the passing time."

Back in London after the few days in Paris. Had a nice time visiting my mom and seeing her for the first time since April (next time, Dad--next time). Thanks largely to the drive of my mother, we visited Victor Hugo's house, Napoleon's tomb, and the Musée Rodin. I requested a trip up to Montmartre (as it is the setting of my favorite noir film), so we went up there on Saturday, wandered around a bit, rode the funicular, bought some creme brulee-type sweets and ate them in the cemetery there. On Sunday we met Caitlin and Heidi (who were in Paris for the weekend themselves) in the Musée de l'Orangerie after seeing the Water Lilies. Overall it was a nice mini-break, and I even got a chance to read some of the planned Orwell and skulk in a couple cafes.

I feel like I should be writing more, telling you about the small snafu that nearly made me miss my train and could have cost me the trip; how I got caught in the pouring rain while trying to find Oscar Wilde's grave; how I saw the most attractive butcher ever (*Insert crude sausage innuendo here*); or how I had "Little Water Song" stuck in my head for most of the trip. But I don't feel like it.

I'm in a bad way right now, and as I've discussed previously, I can't unpack my heart with words here. And lately I have found this forum distracting. I may try tomorrow, or over the next couple days to recalculate a plan of attack for this blog, but at the moment there's just too much going on. What it comes down to is this: I used to know someone who kept a blog, and would on occasion list grievances he had with certain aspects of his life. And that is fine--it is within his right to do so, absolutely. But what began to worry me was that I was finding out more about him from his blog than what he'd share with me in person--we would meet, and I would ask him questions about his life that I knew part of the answers to because of what he posted on the Internet, and he would only half respond. He was my friend, and I didn't understand why it was easier for him to put on the 'net, probably knowing I'd have read it, but wouldn't talk to me about it in person. And in this world, where I seem to in effect be stalking my friends over the Facebook, finding out about babies and marriages and engagements there first instead of from the people themselves--I don't know, it just seems like the wrong order. It doesn't seem right to not turn to the help available to you, to the people available to you when you need them, directly, and instead: opting to hope that they'll follow up on something with you after you've left a huge hint for them laid out in bright, red, flashing neon letters. Not to be too crass about it, but that's just kind of fucked up in my opinion. And I don't want to cut my friends out of my life because I suddenly have a better relationship with them through my blog. That just doesn't seem fair, and isn't how I want to run the business of my life. And of course, it is far distant from the topic of this blog anyway...

...and just what was that again anyway?

I have some things I need to unload somewhere, and I know it can't be here. So I'm going to try to go and do that and come back here when it's settled. Or when I have any news of real note.

And with that: I'm out.

4 comments:

Logan said...

I understand where you're coming from, I do. I learned of my brother's engagement from Facebook, and his trials and tribulations buying a house(hell, even the fact that he was buying a house) from Twitter. I understand how offensive it can and does feel.

When I write in public, and specifically things personal I think of it more of talking out loud to myself. It puts it out there, lifts a weight, and if someone, friend or stranger, happens by and comments, perhaps it's a bit helpful. (In concession, my blog is mostly anonymous so it may be different for me)

To agree further with you, I do think we as a civilization are loosing the art of the face to face conversation, but isn't that the price of having a global community? Perhaps we never went out to lunch or talked at the park until dusk, but I'm spending every other weekend in MD building a movie set and you're studying acting in England. Does that fact invalidate your blog post and my comment as genuine communication between us?

Just posing questions... (and I do hope I get to hear from you soon in addition to this!)

Lea Maria said...

Logan-

I do think having anonymity creates a sense of freedom that does not exist as part of the writing conditions of this blog. I do understand your sentiment re: thinking out loud, but I think I'm aware that what I write can only be things that I would think out loud *in front of people.* There are things I think, would like to write about simply to release them, but would never feel comfortable doing so in such a context, and there is a lot of activity there at the moment. I refrain from talking about those things here. One reason is that of course: whatever's on the internet is there forever, and I know I'd be held accountable for something I said in the future. Another reason is because there is a lot I'm not comfortable talking about out loud in front of other people because I fear they won't understand or that I'll alienate them, or that I'll worry them unnecessarily when all I need is a little more time to work some things out for myself. Also, some of those things pertain to people in my life, and eluding to them here, however anonymously, where they may or may not read it (or God forbid they hear about it from somebody else who read it first), seems rude and unfair to them. And I do my best to not offend people, and I'd feel incredibly guilty if I did.

I'm big on journal writing, and the containment, privacy, sense of personal dialogue, and occasional incoherence of that writing keeps trying to creep in here--sometimes it's successful. But my journal is not something I would ever let anyone read, and that feeling keeps coming up here when I try to write an entry. There are too many things lately that I've felt the need to censor because I'm sensitive to the fact the content here is available to anyone at all. Consequently, I feel the need to work around that content, or explain it away to keep me from defending it later on if challenged. That is more work than I'm prepared to do right now. I could make this a subscription blog where people would have to log in to read it, but I don't really care to do that. I don't mind any old person reading what I put here--but then there is naturally a limit to what I will post. And the life that I leave wrapped up in my Moleskin, to my mind, largely has no place here and has been too overwhelming to totally contain as of late. Hence this little self-imposed blogexile to try and sort things out.

In terms of the cost of the global community, yes I agree with you, and I think it's a problem when we can unload ourselves to an anonymous audience (who may or may not take the time to respond but now "know" us in a more intimate way), but still cannot really connect with the person who is sitting next to us. I feel like globalization, largely technology based as it is, while far reaching, is very non-committal in a way. I can turn off my cell phone in the middle of a call, or I can close a Skype window, or I can stop reading your blog, thus ending our relationship. The list goes on and on, and perhaps it is cowardice or perhaps egocentric of me, but I don't like the idea of people turning off how I deeply feel. While you could make similar argument by saying, "But if we were face to face, I could get up and walk away," I still think it's different because you've already encountered that person in *real space,* and often there is an overlying social etiquette that keeps you from doing it, or allows you to do it in a gentle way. There is a consideration you take when dealing/communicating with the person next to you, that over a technological format you don't need to allow for--it's up to you how long you want to be there, and you get to choose when to log off. I don't want to share certain things that people are suddenly free to make disposable. It depresses me to think that's what could potentially happen, so I choose not to.

(See below for the rest...)

Lea Maria said...

(Cont. from above--I went over the character limit and had to break this up!)

I don't believe that overlying global community invalidates your comment as genuine communication, no, and of course I love hearing from you over various means! But the difference here between this instance and the norm is that you bothered to communicate at all, and with something thoughtful and reflective. More often than not this blog attracts a lot of voyeurs, but few responses to what is written. And it is that gap that makes me cautious. Firstly because I don't know *who* is reading my blog (my tracker tells me location, but not IP addresses, which is fine--some things you shouldn't know), and then I don't know *how* they take or process the information. If you're looking for a true dialogue (and this is something I always am looking for in life, one way or another), this is not necessarily where you'll find it. And that's okay--sometimes it is not totally necessary that you have it. But right now, feeling that I need that, knowing that I can't get that here, I have to look somewhere else. Like, maybe in a bar with friends. Or in an e-mail to you! But pulling back my skin and showing my soul to a transient community of largely anonymous readers: not gonna do it for me.

Zuzu Petals said...

I feel ya.
I think my blog has died. If not, it is most certainly in stasis.